upper and lower companions

harnessing the power of the people around us

Jun 02, 2022

I came across the concept of lower companions while listening to an interview with Rich Roll, a Stanford varsity swimmer turned alcoholic, turned sober lawyer, turned world class triathlete and hyper-self-aware-and-insightful-type person.

Rich was describing how in his early 30's, after a decade of binge drinking and making his life revolve around alcohol, he was finally getting clean. He explained that in Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), they have a concept called lower companions. In AA, these are the people that enable someone to drink heavily far past the age that it is "appropriate" to do so by doing it with them.

Taking part in something that we know to be "not great" with others makes it feel better. Like: we're all in this together. If everyone else is doing it, it's not such a big deal if we do, too.

These lower companions aren’t exclusive to AA. We all have lower companions. Their role in our lives might vary, but we’ve all had some, at one point or another. Lower companions allow us to sink to the levels of our bad habits comfortably, because they tell us: whatever you’re doing that you feel ashamed of: it's normal, it's fine! They might even encourage us to keep doing it.

They might be those people that are super "fun" but if you were to surround yourself with them constantly, you'd find yourself spending more time on the activities you want to get away from. Because this is what we do when we are around people often. We do what they do. We average to their mean.

You might think that this doesn't apply to everyone, that the strong among us can resist our environment. But let me highlight an example of one of the strongest willed individuals in modern history, who, despite his strong will, succumbed to the pressure of lower companions: Mahatma Ghandi.

I came across this passage in an essay by my favourite Professor I've ever had, Ram Murty (if you know me, you've probably heard me talk about him before):

The passage describes how, surrounded by lower companions, Gandhi became complacent in his work, feeling OK about sleeping through court classes.

I found it particularly striking how he describes these lower companions around him "lightening his load of shame", and ultimately, dissolving it completely. This is the power (and the danger) of aligning yourself with people that make you feel better about behaviour that is out of alignment with who you want to be.

Eventually, by separating himself from these lower companions, he was able to live one of the most impressive and distinct lives of anyone in modern history.

I'd like to layer on another key idea I've been pondering (also thanks to Rich Roll).

When asked what is the one phrase he'd put on a billboard for everyone in the world to see, Rich chose the phrase:

Who are you becoming?

The idea being that whether we are conscious of it or not, we are all slowly becoming more of the person we will ultimately be. This "becoming" lies in our daily decisions, actions, and habits. All we are today is a sum of the days we have had so far, and all we will be in the future is a sum of the days we have had so far + the days we are yet to have. If you want to be someone different than who you are today, you need to fill that second chunk of days (today + all future days) with actions that will map you to the person you want to become.

No one just magically becomes successful, or fit, or well read, or a good writer, or a good dancer, or a good runner, or a good photographer, or a good mathematician, or a good investor. They work at it consistently, and over the course of many days, they eventually become someone who is known for that skill or trait.

They become known for the person they have become.

But this “becoming” does not happen at a discrete moment in time, where you suddenly are someone new. This ‘becoming’ is the result of continuous effort. Our days are all connected into one giant continuum. That continuum is called life. If you want that continuum to take you somewhere other than where you are currently headed, you need to change the way you spend your days, because they are laying down the train tracks for your life, determining the direction and the destination of where that train will end up.

Your days will determine who you become.

The connection between who we’re becoming and our companions

To ensure we’re filling our days with what will get us closer to who we want to become, let us break down our habits and behaviours into two categories. Those that bring us closer to who we want to become (our ‘becoming’ activities), and those that do not (our ‘unbecoming’ activities).

Becoming activities

The habits that bring us closer to who we want to become will be different for everybody - at a high level, they might be exercise, working hard professionally, being creative, reading, writing, learning, traveling, reflecting, etc.

Unbecoming activities

Then there are the habits that bring us farther from who we want to become, or those that keep us where we are (if we are not yet tracking in our desired direction). These will again be unique at a high level, but can be anything: going out too much, gaming, over-eating, not getting out of the house enough, spending too much time on social media, over-indulgence of any kind, numbing ourselves emotionally, etc. Whatever they are, they are keeping us from evolving in our desired direction.

You might have friends that you would take part in your energizing, 'becoming' activities with, as well as friends you might take part in the ‘unbecoming’ activities with.

Identifying your suite of companions

It’s time for our faithful journaling exercise. If you wish to participate, get out your notebook and make two columns; one for the activities that will get you closer to who you want to become, and another for the activities that are keeping you from becoming that person.

Then, write next to the activities who you tend to do those things with. You might find that with some of the 'becoming' activities, you may not have many people you do those things with, especially if you haven't started doing them yet. This will help demonstrate where you need more upper companions — those that will make those activities a more consistent part of your routine (ie. a book club, a workout buddy, etc)

You might also find that there are some people that you might only partake in your ‘unbecoming’ activities with. These are the lower companions that 'co-sign' on your bad habits with you, making you feel like it is OK to do something you're trying to do less of.

In reality, it is not so black and white. Unless you're in an extreme state (like alcoholism), there won't be many people who are purely upper or lower companions. Many will fall into both categories. But typically, your companions will skew one way.

The awareness of who is on both sides of the spectrum is important, but it is not to say you should simply cut out lower companions. Rather, we should be aware of those that elevate us, helping us become a better version of ourselves, as well as those that make us feel comfortable sinking into a lower state of self.

This exercise will help illuminate who you surround yourself with most of the time. We all know the classic adage, "you are the average of the 5 people you surround yourself with most" as well as "show me your friends and I’ll show you your future."

These are obviously clichés. But they are clichés because they're true. A lot of conventional wisdom still is - at least the timeless stuff that doesn't have to do with career paths :).

It's important to surround yourself with, on average, upper companions: the people that help you blossom, flourish, and become.

These people make you feel good about yourself, and hold you to a high standard. These are the people you learn from. The ones who help you grow.

While many of us think we are strong enough to be the best version of ourselves regardless of our environment, we mustn’t look farther than the story of Mahatma Gandhi to see that even the best and brightest among us are heavily influenced by our environment. And one of the most essential and powerful environmental levers we can pull on is who we surround ourselves with.

Sometimes we need to make radical changes to evolve in the right direction. Identifying our upper companions and getting closer to them, as well as knowing when to lean away from lower companions, is part of that process.

Quote I'm Pondering:

"Things happen slowly, and then all at once."

This is what life feels like these days: slow, and then all at once.

This quote doesn't have a precise attribution but it seems to have originated from Ernest Hemingway's "The Sun Also Rises" where it's paraphrased in the following dialogue:

“How did you go bankrupt?” Bill asked. “Two ways,” Mike said. “Gradually, then suddenly.”

Even though in reality, change is typically a result of compounding, continuous effort, for some reason, almost all change feels discrete. You suddenly notice the progress you've made. You can have a conversation in the language you've been practicing for a year. Your physique suddenly looks different from the work outs you've been doing for months. A stream of opportunities and good fortune come your way in the matter of a few days, after nothing was happening for weeks.

The comfort in this quote is that even if it feels like nothing is happening while you're hacking away at something you're trying to change: it is. The change is happening slowly. And then, it will happen all at once! Keep going :)