has what you are seeking already arrived?

tits or ass? bro her late-puberty-induced-intellect

When I was young enough to understand what it meant to be desired but not yet old enough to be desired, I remember wanting so badly to be noticed, to be seen for my beauty. I didn’t have the “raw materials” to get this attention early on; I was very small for my age, late to puberty, cute but not especially pretty—and dangerously smart. This cocktail did not exactly place me at the top of the social hierarchy in the ninth grade.

It was as though I needed to tone down my mind to fit into the scenes I wanted to be a part of. Being perceptive, quick-witted and well-read wasn’t particularly “cool” back then. Having boobs and dressing a little scandalous was quite the currency, though. But nature was working on her own timeline with me, and some things you simply cannot rush.

In hindsight, I’m grateful to have yearned so deeply to be in a phase that I was just running late to. It forced me to learn the game without really being able to play it yet. This was a prophecy of sorts for how my life would unfold later, where my ability to study a game and understand its mechanics even if I wasn’t allowed to play became one of my greatest assets—something I would eventually do in my writing for thousands of people. I have spent a lot of time observing games, learning their rules before my entry token appeared, much like my delayed onset into womanhood gave me the chance to understand what it would be like for me there before I arrived.

There is a phenomenon I’ve observed many times: that the thing comes to you when you stop explicitly seeking it. I wanted to be noticed, but the way I ended up getting noticed was not how I imagined I would be. Essentially: I was noticed by giving up on the desire to be noticed. I was noticed by decidedly not contorting myself into the current Desirable Object—sacrificing my nature for what I thought others would like. I was noticed by simply being myself, expressively and openly.

It is interesting to reflect on why this happens, this arriving-when-you-stop-trying-to-get-there-phenomenon… In a social setting, your magnetism is at its highest when you are not chasing the approval of others—when you are present and grounded in your own energy. When you are simply looking at the person in front of you, instead of looking at the person in front of you for their approval. You can only truly hear someone when you’re paying unconditional attention to them. When you are seeking their approval, your attention is confined to only the paths where the possibility of their approval resides.

the insatiable seeking

It is fairly evident that we spend our entire lives looking for whatever we did not get in childhood. Often, we fail to recognize that we ever do get what we’ve been looking for, long after that desire has been consummated.

After all of these years of being a woman, I swear I still sometimes look down and expect to see the body of my flat-chested 14-year-old-self staring up at me, waiting for my womanly genetics to kick in. I still get shocked when I am noticed me for my beauty before my mind. I sometimes forget that I am bearing the body of a young woman as though it’s a clunky accessory I have just realized I’m wearing. I wonder when these side effects of its late arrival will fade, if they ever will at all. It strikes me that I need to place the awareness in my psyche consciously that this thing I once wanted is now here, that its absence was only temporary, that I can stop waiting around for some seismic internal shift that may never come. That the ease and awareness around its presence will come from me consciously recognizing it. From me reminding myself that I have it, from me accepting it fully.

It makes me wonder what else we are endlessly searching for, even though we received it long ago. What are we trying so desperately to become, even though everyone else already sees that we are that?

It’s all so personal, so dependent on the initial conditions of our lives, our childhoods, on what drew people towards us or pushed them away from us. And when we notice these things, we are able to loosen our grip on how tightly we cling to them, how fiercely we reach for them when they appear.

What I am now describing is the foundation of feeling safe and secure in oneself: to no longer feel the need to reach for affirmation from the world that you do now have what it once felt like you would never get.

It takes a lot of patience and reflection to realize when you’ve obtained something you once wished for—something you might even still be wishing for, despite your wish being granted long ago.

Financial security, health, beauty, success, recognition, close friends, achievements… might there be something in your life that you are endlessly seeking that those who know you well would claim you have an abundance of?

You might want to do your own version of this reflection: take a step back, glance at your life, and not just see, but really look for, what you now have that you once wished for—that you might find yourself still wishing for from time to time—even though it already exists, waiting for you to notice it, resting quietly right under your nose.

Journal prompts to integrate this:

• What do you have now that you once fiercely wished for?

• What are the ways in which you are—consciously or unconsciously—still looking for or seeking out this wish, even though it has already arrived?

• How can you ground or root more deeply to what feels like it is lacking in your life even though it is tangibly present, to create a stronger sense of security and awareness that it has arrived?

• If what you are seeking has not yet arrived: Can you practice filling yourself with the feelings that would come with this desire coming true (perhaps by closing your eyes, visualizing your life with this thing you want), and stew in those feelings until you can feel the seeking/hunger for the desired object loosen its grip on you? Can you do this a few more times throughout the week and notice how it shifts your energy throughout the day?

I am taking on one new 1:1 coaching client. If you are interested in harnessing your agency and creativity to create leverage in your world, identifying your patterns and blind spots, and investing in a 1:1 container that will bring you to your highest level of confidence, clarity and action-oriented momentum, reply to this email with the words ‘Next Step’ (or via DM on substack or X), and I will reach out to you directly.

related essays: how to be cool, have you noticed that rule is arbitrary, why i quit status games, becoming yourself is a process of reduction, on self-trust, comfort, get out of your head

+ A tweet of mine that people enjoyed this week. Thanks for reading—please comment below if this sparked anything for you, or if the prompts helped you see anything in your life more clearly. I’d love to know what came up :)