The life-changing magic of asking for help
Strangely feel like I’m just learning this one!
I had one of the most overhwleming few weeks of my life last month. It wasn’t anything super acute, but the compounding of many small things. In this state of overwhelm, I was presented with the opportunity to go down my classic pattern of self-isolating, trying to ‘solve’ my emotions in my own mind, in my notebook, in the privacy of my solitude, or to choose a different path (I made a short video about this here). In learning more about the Enneagram, a personality categorization system that makes you infinitely more perceptive and aware of the nature and intrinsic motivations of yourself and others, I have come to understand that the somewhat ‘classic’ way I behave when I am not at my best, is to double down on alone time, isolate myself from those who love me and want to support me, and then to feel confused by why no one is showing up to support me be (uhhhh, probably because they didn’t know I needed support…. duh).
But this time, as I watched myself stare down that tunnel of solitude and isolation, at the cusp of my overwhelm, I decided to take a slightly different approach.
In the lead up to my wedding next month, I have begun to feel the fairly cliché final push of planning and logistics press down hard on my sensitive, spiritual soul that loves nothing more than freedom, an open schedule, and to not have to think about logistics or small decisions that aren’t more than 24 hours out. Wedding planning has been an almost comically painful test for this part of myself, forcing me to labour and ruminate deeply on every small detail of a single day for almost a year. Alas, I had begun to burn out.
I decided in a state of, quite honestly, desperation and exhaustion, to message a group chat I had made for my bridesmaids to exchange photos of their dresses, that I was kind of crashing out and emotionally spent by planning my wedding and could use some love and support, or just the mere knowledge that this challenging moment was being seen by others.
The outpour of love and support that followed was so instantaneous, abundant, pure and full of love, that I could hardly handle it all! A uniquely contrasting form of overwhelm, that I had almost forgot I also had access to: an overwhelm of love and connection. I instantly received calls, texts, voice notes from my friends, offering support, emotionally or otherwise, and most of all, just reminding me that I am loved, everyone is so excited and happy for me, and that they were all grateful I had shared where I was truly at.
surrendering to what is
A big learning I’ve absorbed through the engagement / wedding-planning process is that everything is easier when you do not resist what is. More explicitly, as simple as this sounds, I had to eventually accept that this really was the year where I was going to be planning my wedding, getting married, and staying fairly stable geographically, around family and friends, as I moved towards this milestone.
For awhile, I resisted this, I tried to pretend it wasn’t going to take up as much time and space as it did, and I ultimately just did not fully accept the parts of the process that were fairly inevitable. In (almost) hindsight, I can now see that the vast majority of the malaise and emotional distress I experienced throughout this process were somewhat self-inflicted. I felt my worst when I was not willing to see or accept what was true, and was trying to force a different reality or a different thing to be true. And I would create so much tension, just because I wished something was different than what it was. But when I could finally see what truly was, everything got easier.
This is a larger reflection that was produced by the mundane things I needed to accept in my wedding planning process. Interactions or decisions that didn’t go the way I wanted. Certain logistics that were constraining me or us in ways I wished were different. Or whatever else it might be. Because it is such a deeply earthly, material event (you literally need to get hundreds of people into a place, wine & dine them, meet their needs, and take care of your own, while making it all feel uniquely beautiful, special, and you). In this process, you come up against all the ways in which certain things are not exactly what you wish they would be (and of course, many that are the way you wished they would be.) And you need to continually surrender to, and allow, what is true, to simply be! And, as my friend, wisely pointed out this week, not just surrender to, but actually lean into what is.
In the case of the overwhelming feeling, and this moment of vulnerability I shared with my friends, instead of resisting or rejecting the fact that I really did feel stressed or overwhelmed, I actually just accepted what was true (I felt overwhelmed), and leaned into it (told my friends I needed support.)
The result: relief, ease, lightness, connection, laughter, warmth, love.
What would I have gotten if I continued resisting or denying what I was really experiencing, and what the reality of the situation was? MORE of those uncomfortable feelings, plus the added weight of wearing a mask of ‘okayness’ / trying to pretend I was having a great time when I simply was not.
opening myself up to receive
This whole experience has re-enlightened me to the power of receiving, and how good it feels to no longer view yourself as responsible for merely giving or supporting others, but to also allow yourself to receive. I always find it easier to give love and support than I feel it is to receive, or even harder: ask for it. I think it had simply been awhile since I had felt I really needed any, in a way that would bring me to actually asking for it. But this week brought me to that point, and the result was me remembering how powerful it is to simply allow the abundance and love that is around you to flow into your life. I’ve been humbled by how touched and connected I feel to all my friends this week, and also, how this ‘threshold’ I needed to pass through to feel that harmony and connection with everyone, was simply the task of admitting that I needed it. Our egos are so powerful and effective at keeping us separate, at maintaining our carefully curated image and identity at the cost of actually feeling connected and free. I am once again being humbled by how the first step to feeling connection and love, is simply allowing yourself to.
breaking patterns
I am honestly quite content with and proud of this new cycle of vulnerability and connection I opened up with my friends this week. I’ve been studying this pattern of mine for the last few months. This year opened with a similar episode of overwhelm and stress that I felt the need to reach out to others for. I took my first baby steps to notice and break this pattern then, reaching out in a moment of true vulnerability to a friend who I trusted to hold me through it. I felt deeply held by her, and much lighter after sharing that emotional load with a close friend. But at the same time, I was only just noticing that I had this maladaptive tendency to retreat when I felt low instead of to reach out and expose myself—in my pain and struggle—to those who would literally want to know so that they could show up for me.
In that first cycle, I just began to get a taste for what it was like to actually let others in during the moment of pain and intensity (instead of story-telling to them about it after, which was usually how I would do things: struggle > reflect alone > identify source of suffering > solve it > report on my findings, to you guys and my friends once the process had concluded.)
In this new paradigm, I was starting to see that I didn’t need to hide away while I was going through what I was going through. Instead, I could actually just own the pain and struggle WHILE I was in it, so I could be loved and supported in the way I needed to be, while I was in it. :)
I know this might be so obvious to some people, but I actually feel like it is a huge breakthrough in my personal process, and I am really happy about it!!
letting the growth come through
I was reflecting today, laying under a willow tree with a good friend of mine as the sun peeked through the branches, on all the learnings and challenges this chapter of my life has presented to me. I realized that while I have experienced a lot of personal growth these last few years, most of it had been done privately, between me and the page, or me and my closest relationships, primarily in service of this individual, creative trajectory I have been on and what I have been making in my life.
But through this transformation, I had managed to keep myself quite ‘separate’ from my community, from the people around me, and to maintain a high degree of freedom and low degree of compromise as I reshaped my life in the image of how I wanted it to be. But what wedding planning has initiated me into, with or without my consent, is all of this growth around relationality, around community, around tradition, around those who love me, have raised me, and who want to be connected to me and celebrate me on what will hopefully be one of the happiest days of my life.
My wedding has forced me into a growth phase that is all about connection and community; learning how to state and negotiate my needs and desires, in a way that actually includes and considers others deeply, as well. And letting others support and love me through the process, in all its messiness and vulnerability, instead of trying to hide the ugly parts and present the perfect polished result once it is all done and complete.
I am learning through this process that I have an incredibly abundant and strong community that would love nothing more than to be closer to me, more connected to me. And I am learning that all I need to do to facilitate this closeness, connection, love, support, and ease, is to simply let it in.
Related prompts to reflect on, dear reader:
Where am I blocking the abundance or connection trying to find me in my life?
Where am I hiding or keeping my true experience sheltered from others, because it feels hard or messy to share?
What am I not accepting as true in my life, that is causing me added suffering?
When was the last time I shared vulnerably with a friend? What did I share, and how did it feel after?
When was the last time I listened to a friend share vulnerably? How did I respond? How did it feel to listen to / support them?
Do I prefer doing one of these over the other? Are my friendships generally skewed one way or the other? Would I like to shift this balance at all?
What is a lesson I am currently learning in my life, willingly? What is a lesson that I feel is being ‘forced’ onto me, because I don’t seem willing to learn?
If these prompts or this piece brought up anything for you, I’d love to read about it in the comments:
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