it’s about time you start listening to yourself
progress. maturity. adulthood.
All I ever wanted was to be ahead. When I was younger, far before I was old enough to see through all of the games and hierarchies and institutions I was being funnelled through, I always figured out how to be ahead. I always studied what the next phase would reward most heavily, would be most impressed with, and I did that. I never wanted credit for it, other than from the people whose acknowledgement and awareness of my excellence actually mattered. Only the ones whose knowing I was doing the “Right” things would push me farther ahead.
This created a strange cocktail of agency and compliance in me that has taken quite a bit of psychic untangling to work through. A strange combination of revering authority and contorting myself for their approval while also charting a course that felt uniquely me, entirely independent of what they thought. I’d like to think I was wise to the games as I was playing then, but in truth, the wisdom came much later—once I had dislodged myself from them.
When I got old enough to realize I could drop the authority piece while keeping the devotion to excellence piece, everything changed. I became my own authority. I became genuinely free. I learned how to do the steep, hard, high leverage thing, without waiting for anyone to notice. I began collecting on the actual benefit of excellence, of effort, of strategy, of intuition: getting what you want.
Intuition. That’s a funny word. The truth is that all I write about here is my intuition—figuring out what is noise, what it is that people want me to think vs. what it is that I actually think. Or: feel, rather. Since thinking is what seems to get in the way of hearing my intuition.
Intuition. A deeper intelligence in me that I cannot control or tame or label. It is unwilling to bed to your will, to what you want it to tell you. It will only tell you the truth—your truth. You cannot argue with intuition. It does not engage in “discourse.” It simply knows.
Intuition. Smarter than anything my conscious mind can produce. It is writing dialogue all day long. It is calculating probabilities without my consent. It is doing math, physics, science. It doesn’t require a paper and pencil to figure out the answer. It moves faster than the mind ever could. It catches our fall—or breaks it with the least consequential buffer it can manage, in fewer seconds than it would take to consciously register that you are falling. The unconscious mind is far more brilliant than anything they can test our conscious knowledge with. Yet, we dismiss it. Well, I don’t anymore. Others certainly do, though. Maybe you do, too. I used to.
Intuition. Why is it that people are so resistant to recognizing the brilliance of the unexplained wisdom that lives inside all of us? This higher intelligence that pushes us, nudges us towards things that we don’t understand why we are pulled towards. But still: we are guided. We are drawn, inspired, intrigued, interested, without thought, effort or consciously “opting into” these sparks in our consciousness. There is an invisible intelligence beneath the mind that we cannot see.
Intuition. I have tasted conventional intelligence. The accolades. The scholarships. The consensus approval on my choices, my accomplishments, my “potential.” And nothing tastes as sweet, as tender, as rich — as listening to your inner intelligence, the one that dismisses what is “Right”. The one that bypasses what your mind says you “should” do. The one that transcends the formulaic, algorithmic measures of your capabilities, and instead points you squarely towards what you are meant to do.
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