Confidence Comes from Taking Care of Yourself
you might just have to do the hard thing
The way we show up in the world is a direct byproduct of the way we take care of ourselves. That elusive thing we call confidence or charisma or ease, is essentially an unspoken answer to the question of: Have you prepared enough for this moment to not think of yourself at all during it?
Have you taken good enough care of yourself such that you can simply show up and enjoy yourself?
When I wasn’t writing—but wanted to—one of the most painful things for me was to introduce myself and say what I do. I could feel deep in my body, on a gut-level, that this was no longer what I wanted to be doing. It was so obvious; so evident, that I was not listening to myself. Not taking care of myself, my needs, my intuition.
So, all of the moments where I was asked to take up space, to lean into the opening that was created for me, I would contract. Ridden with tension and the absence of ease, I would try to push the spotlight away from me. I would do anything to get away from my own existence in that moment. I was essentially experiencing the effects of not fully taking care of myself. I was (I’m sure) exuding the opposite of confidence.
Contrast that with my presence once I was actually living in alignment, where it was much easier to speak, to express, to be present, and to pay attention to what people were saying in front of me. To not get stuck in my own head.
Why? Because I was taking care of myself, and when we take care of ourselves, we don’t need anything from anyone in any moment. We exude peace, because we are at peace. We exude confidence, because we have tended to the parts of ourselves that would otherwise be seeking from someone else if they were not acknowledged by us directly.
When I am taking care of myself, I am simply interested in who is in front of me, happy to engage with ease, not hiding from anyone, but not needing them to see me either. Calm, relaxed, present. Confident.
That level of ease and peace is not something you can fake. It is something that comes from genuinely tuning in, and tending to yourself.
This is also why it is so humorous and futile to incessantly consume content about how to convince everyone else that you are confident. Charismatic. Large. Persuasive. It isn’t an inherently bad thing to learn some of these principles (it also helps you spot when someone else is performing all of the ‘marks’ of confidence, without actually embodying the Real Thing). But it is not a replacement, or really even an effective supplement, for genuine inner ease.
The truth is: nothing replaces taking good enough care of yourself enough to genuinely project a sense of peace, not get in your own way, and be effortlessly present.
This is what confidence is, ultimately: the capacity to project love, peace and curiosity at once, without effort. The capacity to be exactly where you are, without yanking yourself out of the moment, without trying to escape, without seeking anything from the person in front of you, without trying to convince them of something or contort yourself unnaturally to get them to see you in a certain way.
Confidence is the ability to be still in any situation. Confidence is presence, unencumbered by insecurity or attachment to outcome.
From what I’ve seen, the only way to consciously get there is to tend to your inner world. To do the hard things you are avoiding. Have the hard conversation. End the relationship. Ask the person out. Exercise. Clean up your home. Quit your job. Apply for the job. Do the creative thing your soul has been nudging you towards. Take the risk. Choose your gut instinct over the Rationally Correct thing. Trust yourself. Stop waiting for approval.
Confidence arises when you’ve allowed your inner world to express itself outwardly, without hesitation. Confidence happens when you face what you are avoiding, consciously. Confidence happens when you make the space to tune everything else out, and take care of yourself.
I’m sending out a very important email very soon to this email list. If you are interested in learning how to trust yourself fully, identify your inner signals and natural gifts, leverage your unique genius and embody your deepest desires, sign up here. You will get an important announcement this week, crafted with care by yours truly. Excited to share this with you.
related essays: on self-trust, how to be cool, just show up, unblock your mind
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Thanks so much for sharing this Isabel! I recently got laid off from my tech job and decided to start writing and building my thing instead of hopping into job hunting. It feels risky but decided to follow my gut instincts and do my own thing for a while. Thanks for emphasizing the fact that following your gut isn’t a waste of time and there’s more to be gained than lost. I so appreciate your writing :)
I had so many blocks around taking care of myself, including as basic as if I really craved eating something nice, I would wait to cook it on a day I could invite friends over. Which was usually when the craving had passed, and it felt like a chore not something pleasurable.
Separately, for anyone interested, there’s a book called “Trying not to Try” by Edward Slingerland, which explains the science behind how charismatic we can be once we’ve reached the point of mastery when we don’t need to think about what we are doing.