another year around the sun!

birthday reflections

Today is my birthday. Every year, the new number holds a different charge. This year, it feels like a chapter is closing: of experimentation, of figuring things out, of being a “kid.” I feel ready, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, and professionally, to lean into everything that I am doing even more fully. It's hard to know what that actually looks like, when you're staring down your year ahead—it’s more of a feeling than anything else. But I sense that there is a new kind of seriousness entering my field that feels sharper, crisper in a way it hasn't before.

Simultaneously, I know myself quite well—and one thing I know about myself with certainty is that it is very easy for me to take things far too seriously, much too quickly. When I decide it's time to “get serious,” it's as though I suck all the air out of the room and don't allow myself permission to inhale deeply—breathing in all the play and fun and lightness—until whatever this mission I have just gotten “serious” about feels complete. I want to be conscious of this, because seriousness, while I want to embrace it, is not the full picture. It is also not even (close to) the best way to ‘actualize’ whatever I intend to get serious about. If there’s anything I’ve learned as I have matured, it’s that I function best what I am at ease, when there is space for play, when I am not coercing myself into some extra effort that is draining me of my life force. I’ve learned that I flourish when I am not taking life too seriously, when I am remembering to play—to just have fun.

Cliché, perhaps, but another part of getting older is realizing that the clichés exist for a reason. They hold truth!

As I've gotten older, I've watched myself oscillate between the extremes of playfulness and seriousness. Sometimes letting go of all seriousness, letting myself “surrender to the flow of life”—prioritizing fun, play, trust, and intuiting my way towards what is next. Other times, I have locked myself into intense, high gear predispositions towards output and execution—obsessed with honing my craft, improving, and creating. I feel powerful when I do that—like I can just rip through whatever life gives me. But when I stay there for too long, it begins to feel like everything I do needs to have a desired effect, a ‘reason’ I’m doing it.

When I let myself over-index on seriousness, my ability to just be, to enjoy, to play, to simply exist wanes dramatically, and I feel limited by my obsession with whatever I've oriented myself towards so intentionally. This force rises in me that wants to make things happen quickly, effectively and efficiently—without the space for ease and effortlessness. A part of me loves this intensity—loves the feeling of being completely immersed in some aim, desire, or mission I’ve aligned towards. That part of me wants wants to indulge fully in the effort, in the grit of seriousness—to let it take over my being and to do what I know that I can do, as quickly as possible. To surrender to the part of me that wants to push, work, and exert until I’m spent.

But what I've learned over the last few years has really been many different permutations of one simple truth: it is all about balance. I wish I had something more profound to share as I synthesize my learnings from the last year, but that stands out as the primary one. Life is very much about not going too far in any one direction. Not forcing or flowing so much that I forget I can do the opposite. Making the space for existence and play and those apparently “pointless activities” that do not yield any specific outcome. I want to be both serious and playful. I want to feel balanced.

Not just this year, but every year. I want to tap into my capacity for creation and execution, while embracing the un-seriousness of it all; zooming out, and remembering what matters beneath all that. To enjoy everything that happens on the way there, in between the bursts of effort. Because—and not to stack too many clichés into one piece of writing, but I can’t seem to help myself today—there really is no destination. That’s another thing birthdays always remind me of. So, I’m here. I arrived. Okay? Now what? I feel the same; what is this destination, this milestone, really, if not just another way to punctuate that time is passing, and that you are getting a little older as life moves through you and around you? If you spend your life waiting for some destination to liberate you or change the way life feels to you, well, I am quite certain you will be waiting a very long time! Perhaps forever. Because—and here we go again—the journey is the destination!!! The ‘process’, whatever that means to you, is your life. The way you navigate towards whatever you desire is exactly what your life will be full of. Not the short, punctuated moments where you reach a goal or get the thing you want, but how you felt and how you acted on your way there.

When we indulge in the impulse to make everything have utility and purpose, we miss out on something far more precious: remembering the miracle of being alive.

As I sat down in the coffee shop I go to almost every day to write this, I was followed in by someone in a wheelchair. I didn’t see him at first; he was struggling to get inside. Once I noticed, I let the barista know, who immediately jumped up and began an effortless sequence of steps in what seems to be a well-developed routine they had together (I don’t usually come at this time, which might be why I had never seen this before). The barista went outside, spent 10 minutes chatting with this fellow, periodically holding the espresso cup up to his lips, gently and slowly so that he could sip it. It was such an act of tenderness, of humanity, warmth, patience and humility that it kind of just stopped my entire train of thought and reframed the entire context of this moment. It offered a new perspective on all the words I had just put down.

It made this all seem so much more… self-indulgent. I mean: here is an interaction between two people that is not at all connected to some desired effect or outcome. It was just someone deciding to be a good, decent human being to someone else.

There is no real point to this story (fittingly), but it acted as a reminder to me, that while all of this thinking and reflection and distilling How To Do Life Well and Make The Most Out of The Moment is great, but it is also sometimes a distraction from what is right in front of you. And, as I explored already, the key to life is to really just embrace the balance of all of these things.

To be working towards what inspires you (harnessing our unique ability to think long-term, make sacrifices, plan and actualize what we feel called to). While also remembering that it’s a privilege to even have these conversations with ourselves. Remembering that the real gift of any birthday is simply the opportunity to celebrate another year around the sun, experiencing the ecstatic miracle of being alive—hopefully in good health, surrounded by love, comfort and the things that bring you joy and pleasure.

So, that is what I’d really like to focus on this birthday—not how ahead or behind I feel like I am relative to where I thought I would be, or where I want to be by next year, but to simply remember what an incredible gift it is to be alive, celebrating another birthday, surrounded by love and so many other wonderful things I can feel into right now. That is what I want to take into this year: the awareness that these thoughts and reflections and questions and inquiries and meditations on what it means to be a human, to be a person full of life and potential, is the great miracle that trumps all of the other things that I could possibly request, ask for, or work for.

So as I set the intention I started this essay with to take on the world oh-so-very-seriously this coming year, I would also like to remember to just chill, to remember that sipping my coffee, holding this pen and staring into this sunny day represents all the beauty, abundance and wonder that I could possibly need.

That won’t stop me from using my life force to work towards much more than that, of course, but all of that other stuff gets to be a long-term game I am playing—just for fun! For my own personal satisfaction. It’s not that serious, not that existential. None of it is. Not really. All that matters is that I’m right here. I’ve arrived, I’m on the journey, this is the destination, there isn’t one. All of the things are true at once. That’s the balance. Holding the things you take seriously with lightness.

Thanks for reading my words this year. I hope reading them has brought you even a fraction of the comfort and ease it brings me to write them. I appreciate you, and feel very blessed that you are pointing your attention towards this corner of the internet, at this moment in time! What a miracle.

Now, please excuse me as I go indulge in some birthday celebrating. Because really: it’s all just not that serious :)

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related essays you may enjoy: act, rest, repeat, transformations, embrace the exhale, one thing at a time, slow down

If you enjoy my writing, and want to share something that has especially resonated with you over this last year, please do so in the comments! It would be the greatest gift to hear your reflections.

Thank you for making this year what it was by being here. I sincerely appreciate your presence, time and attention.